Recently, my life has been like switch backs and fast turns in the Tour De France. I am dealing with some uncertainties and pain, similar to what I have experienced in racing where I thought my legs would not carry me another mile. As life changes and I move into different chapters, I am faced with how that change is going to influence those I love the most. I worry on most nights that I will let those people down...no...that I have already let those people down. I worry that no matter what I do from here, no matter how hard I train, no matter what race I run, I ultimately can not change the course. It is set and now I run.
In times like these, I think we all search for something that provides safety and stability. Like the hug from a loving mom, a pep talk from your childhood friend, a quite moment with your favorite song. We look for those things that provide us some security...if only for the moments we are engaged.
In these turbulent storms, through the rhythm of my legs, the beating of my heart, the sound of my feet as they wisp across the ground, as I watch the sun set below the dancing trees I search for what I have done right and where I have gone tremendously wrong. I am not sure I ever really find the answer...but I do find some comfort in knowing that with each new day there is a new chance...a chance to get it right, to put together a better effort, to have a better race. At times I feel like if I can just run far enough I will run right into the answers I seek.
Right now my shoes and my legs ability to carry me across God's earth are the only things that help me see through the storm. Some might say this approach is running from your problems. I disagree...these moments of uninterrupted time help me see through the fog, to clear away the noise, and focus on what I can do to make the road more smooth with fewer bumps. Like many of you, I have those that depend on me...I have failed more than I have succeeded and desperately I hope as time passes that all my "training" helps me to fail them less and to grow stronger with each hill I face.
In time to come I will continue to run, continue to look for the answers on quite runs between dusk and dawn. They are out there...I can hear them in the swift silence of the passing ground beneath my feet. For me, this provides some stability in changing times.
Photo by BillRhodes Photo
1 comment:
Sorry to hear of the struggles, Will pray God gives you strength, comfort and answers or at least how to work at them. I find running and swimming extremely helpful for this too. Insights happen, the mind quiets and some of the anxiety passes and allows clarity and perspective. Hope everything works out.
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